Sharing isn’t always easy for brothers and sisters who grow up under the same roof. Divvying up the wealth of toys, bedrooms or vehicles may have been a challenge at your house, and sharing the daily household chores could have led to family conflict as well.

Some things never change.

According to research conducted for the Home Instead Senior Care^® network, sharing the care of elderly parents can be as much of a challenge for adult siblings. In 43 percent of U.S. families, one sibling has the responsibility for providing most or all of the care for Mom or Dad, according to a survey of family caregivers. In only two percent of families did the siblings split the caregiving responsibility equally.*

“Senior caregiving can either bring families together or cause brother and sister conflict,” says sibling relationships expert Ingrid Connidis, Ph.D., from the University of Western Ontario. “In some cases it can do both. These issues can be very emotional.” Connidis has worked with Home Instead Senior Care to develop the 50-50 Rule^SM public education program to help siblings deal with the many issues of caring for a parent. Following are tips on how siblings can better share the care.

1.  Talk and listen. Research shows that parents care a lot about maintaining independence to the point they also forfeit getting more support. That’s why it’s important to communicate, preferably before your family is in the throes of caregiving.  

Talk with older loved ones about what they need and want as they age. Would they prefer to stay at home? What type of care would they like? Do they have a will? All of these issues are better handled before a crisis occurs. At this stage in the process, sit down with your siblings, listen to their questions and concerns, and begin to list the resources that your family will need through this journey. Schedule a meeting or telephone conference to talk things out. 

1. Research options. When you and your siblings have identified the types of services, interventions or care options that your senior needs, research organizations and resources that can help you meet those needs. Discuss with your siblings who in the family will handle this job. Try to divide the tasks so everyone has input and the opportunity to share their ideas. A good place to start is by doing online research on websites such as www.eldercare.gov and www.caring.com.

Those sites can help you identify resources in your community such as Area Agencies on Aging. Your parent’s doctor or a geriatric care manager can be of assistance as well. Contact your local Home Instead Senior Care office for more information about how to help your loved ones age in place and remain independent. Also check out the book “Stages of Senior Care: Your Step-by-Step Guide to Making the Best Decisions,” for more resources and information about the changes you can expect to see in your older loved one.

1. Plan ahead. When needs and resources are identified, you and your siblings will have a better idea what will be required of your family. For example, if your loved one wants to stay at home as your mom ages in place, consider whether someone in the family will be supplementing that care or if you will divide those duties among siblings. If you will be contracting for outside resources for your dad such as meals on wheels or in-home care, not as much hands-on care will be required of your family, but someone will need to coordinate that schedule. Make sure that you include in your plan all that your family will be doing as well as what services will be provided by outside contractors. Remember that inheritance issues and estate planning disagreements also can lead to family conflict so be prepared in those areas as well.
2. Be flexible. Needs of a senior change as they age. So do the lives of you and your siblings. Rather than insist that all of the caregiving tasks be divided equally, consider a division of labor that takes into account each family member's interests and skills, as well as their availability.
3. Be honest. Even siblings who live in the same community can find it difficult to stay in touch and be candid about what’s happening to their senior loved one. It’s important to remain in regular contact with your brothers and sisters to avoid miscommunication and hard feelings. Try to be honest. If you have become the primary caregiver and it’s getting to be too much, make sure your siblings know that you need help. Discuss specific tasks that your brother or sister can help you with such as grocery shopping or placing online orders. If you are a long-distance sibling, check in often with the primary caregiver to see how it’s going. A geriatric care manager can serve as an important third-party mediator if conflict arises and an in-home care company such as Home Instead Senior Care can provide respite and hands-on support.

* The study, conducted by The Boomer Project, included 711 adults in the U.S. ages 35-64 with living siblings or stepsiblings, who said they either currently provide care for a parent or older relative, or did provide care in the past 18 months.